Dysfunctional Wednesday!

All are created equal in my house. That being said, my two youngest were fighting over a crochet hook. No...not to use as weapons, but to actually crochet!

 Isaiah fell to the floor first and gave Julius a patronizing chuckle, "Whoa! Dude when did you get so tall?" Julius being the very literal guy he is said, "I'm not...I'm just mad!"

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Conversation with my mother yesterday! LOL! I have to write these down as soon as they happen, because this woman gives me so much to work with some days!
 
Mom: Oh, when Paul was here I gave him a box for Jenna. The kids left some stuff when they were here visiting.
Me: Okay, I think I saw some stuff around.
Mom: Well, there are just the girls' hairbrushes and a few odds and ends, but I wanted to make sure Aubrey got her Little Kitty bikini bottoms.
Me: Little Kitty?
Mom: Oh, I said that wrong...Miss. Kitty.
Me: Mom, Miss. Kitty is from Gunsmoke. Hello Kitty?
Mom: Yes! That's the one!
 
LOL!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

We grabbed Wendy's on the way home from Wrightsville Beach, because the kids were starving. Apparently, they were exhausted too, because Isaiah and Julius were sitting in the third row seats when we hear Julius say, "Mom, Isaiah fell asleep." 

I said, "That's okay...he's probably just wiped out from all that swimming and wave jumping." 

Julius responds, "Yeah, but he fell asleep holding his cheeseburger in his hand." 

 Paul and I laugh and said, "It's okay." 

*FAST FORWARD* 

We drive into the driveway and Isaiah wakes up. "Mom, I'm really hungry. I don't think I ate my cheeseburger...I started looking out the window and I fell asleep."

 I said, "Yes, you fell asleep holding your cheeseburger, so just eat that now if you want." 

Isaiah said, "Yeah, but I don't have a cheeseburger. It's gone."

 I said, "That doesn't make any sense...its got to be out back there." After much searching it never turned up. 

All eyes turn back to Julius. He said, "What?" 

I said, "Did you eat his cheeseburger too?" 

Julius said, "Noooooo." Oh, Julius ate it and finally fessed up. He said, "It's a cheeseburger! I didn't want it to go to waste!" 

Oy Vey!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Last July my granddaughter, Lil' Miss. Aubrey colored me a picture and I said, "Can you put your name on it?" 

 She says, "You write your own name!" 

I said, "I want you to write your name, so I know who colored it for me." 

Of course by this time, pre-school has been done since May so she's having a hard time remembering how to do it. So I wrote it down for her, so she can practice. 

As I'm writing it, she's standing across from me watching and then says, "You doing it wrong, Nonna..it upside down."
LOL! 

 "Aubrey that's because you're looking at upside down." I turned the paper around to show her the pic. Now she has no interest in practicing it!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

The first time my mother(she hates technology, but is adjusting)created her Facebook account she kept taking the "What's on your mind?" or "How are you today?" prompts from FB literally. 

I kept seeing random post from her saying. "I don't know who this is, but I'm fine. Thank you."

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Dejon: We need to assert our dominance, so if that means we need to lick other people's face...then that is what we're going to do!
I have no clue!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

We are looking at possible houses to set up a homestead...something with a bit of land. I saw one and fell in love with it...and the price wasn't too bad either. I showed Dejon a.k.a. Hollywood, who indulged my creative juices.

 He said, "See all those trees? That would be a safe place, in case of a zombie uprising."

I was so tickled. "You're so right. We could totally build tree stands and create signals as we see them coming. We could get equipped with crossbows and just take them down one at a time. Like a Zombie Squad!"

He smiled, "Yup, that is doable."

Then I said, "We should probably think about practicing...you know before all this happens." LOL! The rest of the kids think I'm weird, but not DeJon! He gets it!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

If you don't think this statement isn't true...ask my kids about the can of chicken I was trying to open the other day. They were still giggling about me slamming it on to the floor to get it open. That was after 7 turns on the can opener, three stab wounds to the top metal cover. 

After all that slamming...the top never popped off and I had to scrape chicken from the small 1/2" x 1" opening to have a healthy lunch. 
 
This folks is why chubby girls prefer leftover lasagna!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

I was talking to my mother yesterday, and I love her! However, she's a control freak! Marie Barone has nothing on this woman. When she was doing her "will" a few years back the attorney was nearly speechless after reading over her exact request. 

When he was through being shocked he said, "Wow! You plan on managing things right from the grave don't you?" 

LOL! Our conversation then turned to her going to heaven. Yes, she plans on taking over there too.

Dysfunctional Wednesdays!

The grandbabies came for a visit, so Julius and Isaiah took out the "Headbandz" game. If you don't know the game, they each wear a blue, plastic headband with a card of an object/animal on it and they ask questions to try and figure out what they are. 

My youngest granddaughter, Aubrey at age four hasn't quite got the concept yet. Her sister, 

Gracie asked, "Okay, do I have legs?" 

Aubrey giggles and says, "You have legs....you're a Titty-Tat!" 

All the older kids groaned, "Aubrey!!!" She was so proud of herself! LOL!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

My second floor sounds like a guy's locker room, as people are showering and dressing! Julius is singing out of tune...I think on purpose. The other boys are pinning him down telling him to stop. He's laughing...and still singing at the top of his lungs!

Then I hear...
Dejon: Devan, stop busting in the bathroom...I'm butt-nekkid!
Devan: No you're not! Liar!
Dejon: Devan you freak put the camera phone away!
Devan: *screams*
Dejon: Mom, Devan is being a freak! He's trying to take a video with his camera phone and I'm butt-naked!
Mom(yelling over the stairs): Devan, knock it off! Dejon, don't worry...even if he does get shot in...we'd need a zoom lense to see anything.
Devan(laughs): She slayed you, dude!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

We were watching wrestling and one of the wrestlers said, "There are three things you don't do...pull on Superman's cape, piss in the wind and back stab your brothers."
 
Isaiah: Pee in the wind? What does that mean?
Julius: Duh? If you pee in the wind...it will come back on you. Why do you think Seth Rollin's hair looks like that!
 
OMGosh! I'm PMSL!!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Isaiah and Julius were discussing superpowers in the car on the way home.
 
Julius: If I had flying for a superpower would you send me to the store for milk?
Me: Yes, if you were older and it wouldn't make you crash.
Julius: Well, I'd take any superpower really...but I would really like to fly.
Paul: Why do they even consider Batman a superhero...he doesn't have any superpowers?
Isaiah: He has super technology, Dad!
Me: Ummm...Batman is a superhero. Duh! He has a bat mobile!
Paul: But its not a superpower!
Me: Well, technically Iron Man isn't a superhero then, because his is all technology too.
Isaiah: Well, Batman was trained by a Ninja Master...so he can fight.
Me: Yeah, Paul!

As our friend, Miss. Paula says, "Paul you just got superhero schooled!"

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Michael was gently trying to let me know that while he was out driving in my car this afternoon...he about shite his pants by over correcting the SUV.

Michael(nervous smiling): Don't freak, but this afternoon....Phew! I kind of over corrected, because I had to swerve around an animal.
Me: What?! What kind of animal?
Michael: It was a turtle...a big, big turtle and he popped out at me.
Me: Michael, turtles don't pop out of anywhere...they're too slow.
Michael: Well, there was a opossum that came out right after him.
Me: Really? Aren't opossums nocturnal?
Michael: Nooooo!!!! Listen.
Me: So a turtle and an opossum...I swear Michael if you tell me a Bambi, a chipmunk and a bluebird came out right after I'm going to think you're SnowflippinWhite!
Michael: No! I have a pic of him.
Me: The opossum?
Michael: No, the turtle.
 
One day is all I'm asking for....no events, no drama, etc. I've been waiting for that day for 28 years now...the odds are not in my favor.

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

I love to dance! Of course, now at my age....I may not only offend the people around me, but I even offend myself sometimes. Body parts don't always go the way my brain is telling them. There is a cause and effect thing going on!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

For those of you that know me well...I have a very blunt parenting style, especially with my teenagers. Mama got jokes...its the only way to approach teenagerdom! My biggest fear with these kids...is keeping them as innocent for as long as possible. When Michael went to prom we had the "sex" talk....and yes I was very blunt then. Tonight he got home from his 9 hour shift at McD's, definitely not his dream job or anyone elses either, took a shower and was heading out with the GF. Of course, I told him "No sex" and got the eye roll, to which I reply..."I'm just keeping it real, because a baby means you'll be coming home everyday from a 9 hour shift smelling like a greasy french fry! Think about it. No purple lights for your car, no toys, no freedom. Don't be trading in your sub-woofers and tweeters for a pair of boobs. Remember...you get the urge...slam that bad boy in a window and it'll go away!" Then I finished with my normal..."Be good, drive safe, I love you." speech.

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Say Uncle!

 I hear Julius yell, "OW!" 

I look over and see him folded in half with Isaiah pinning his knees to his ears. I freaked. "Isaiah, I don't want you guys wrestling like that! You're going to break his neck." 

Julius isn't screaming anymore, but Isaiah still has him pressed in half and says, "Wrestling? We're not wrestling..its yoga!!" 

SMH!!!

 

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

 Mother's Day 2014

Jenna: Mom, you're a writer...so why don't you ever put something sappy on my Facebook wall. I mean its Mother's Day!
Me: I'm Sorry. I like to keep shit real.
Jenna: It's true...you aren't an emotional person.
Me: I know...it is true.
Jenna: Even Dad(the ex) is more emotional and sappy than you are.
Me: I swear that man has a vagina.

*LMAO* I don't care who you are that shit was funny!
Jenna: Mom!
Me: What? I bought you a Nutribullet! You should have your father write something sappy on your wall!
Jenna: You know he can't spell!
Me: Or tell time!

Bahahahahahaha! I had to stop the conversation, because I could go on all day with that topic!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

 Prom Night Pep Talk!

My oldest son, Michael went to his first prom this past May. For weeks I worried about how it would all come together. We had disagreements, I had nightmare, but in the end it all came together! Phew! He's only a junior, so I have to do this all over again this coming May!

Michael, though he is very pigheaded at times, has never given us a reason to not trust his judgement. He's been an amazing son! He works really hard at school, does chores without being asked, respectful to adults/teachers, no drugs, no drinking, etc. Those are issues that we have never dealt with Michael and we are proud of his choices thus far. However, he is seventeen years old and the testosterone is flowing through his veins. As a parent I felt the need to have "the talk" again. I mean it's Prom Night...anything can happen, right?

As Michael and I were driving to meet his girlfriend for prom pictures...I gave him the pep talk. I'm not really good at pep talks, because "I says it hows I sees it". 

I started off with..."No sex! I don't allow that." 
 
Michael says, "I knnnnooowww!" 

I replied, "Okay, but it makes me feel better that I at least said it. Cuz, you know sex is like candy...once you get the taste of it you're always going to want more." 

Michael said, "All right, I get it. You don't have to keep talking about it." 

So I continued, "If by some chance you decide you're going to have sex...I'm cursing you right now. Brandy's face will turn into mine, and you'll hear me and Jesus doing a lot of talking!!" Michael rolled his eyes. I said, "I know...this is awkward, but I feel better just knowing I at least warned you. So....if you get the urge just slam that thing in a window and it'll go away. Capiche?" Have a good time!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

 Hen Pecked!

We were outside feeding and watering the chickens. Isaiah said, "Why is that rooster afraid of everything. He's a big wimp." Before I could answer he said, "Never mind he's living with 11 women...that's probably why!"

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

My daughter, Jenna picked up my four year old granddaughter, Aubrey from pre-school. She decided to bring Miss. Aubrey for an ice cream and then for a walk at the environmental park in Knightdale. It was a bit warm on this day and NC's first bout of humidity of the spring. Aubrey likes to be difficult, so she started complaining

Aubrey: ugh it's gonna be so hot there
 Jenna:(sarcastically) Oh, no Aubrey what are we gonna do?!
Aubrey: (arms crossed) Duh, we gonna sweat, that's what!

Juliusism Sunday!

Julius: You know farting is completely normal. I just can't believe girls are allowed to do it....but its completely normal.

Hahahahahaha! He's always thinking!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

You Need To Check Yourself!

I avoid those "self-checkout" aisles at the grocery store at all cost. Those flipping things are so prone to malfunction it isn't even funny.  However, today there was only one regular lane open and it was packed.  Deciding I didn't want to wait in a long line with two kids, I ventured to the self-check out aisles to speed the process along. I  figured with so few items,  I can't possibly screw this up. You scan things and put them in the bag. Its not rocket science.  

So I begin! First item....scanned. The register says, "Please place the item in the bagging area" over the speaker when I've already done it. It tells me I'll have to wait for an attendant to assist me, but then corrects itself ten seconds later. I said "WTH" to myself.  I scan the next two items and it says it again.  This time I say out loud. "Oh, my aching arse!" I got a few stares.

I scan a few more items, and it did it a third time and let me tell you.....it wasn't a flipping charm. I blurted out "I wish I had a 9 iron, because I'm about to go Happy Gilmore on this thing." Okay, I got a few stares, but I was completely serious!

 Please remind me that I don't like the self-check outs and to wait in the huge line no matter what!!!

Juliusism Sunday!

In the Beginning!

We were sitting around the dinner table last night and Julius randomly asked, "Mom, how many were you on the first day?"  I gave him a perplexed look and said, "The first day of what?"  He thought for a few seconds and replied, "I don't know...just on the first day. How many were you then?" Isaiah piped in and said, "I think he means when the earth was created, Mom." I was just about to correct Isaiah, because that would mean that Julius thinks I'm as old as dirt...and I'm fairly sure I'm not quite that geriatric. Julius said, "Yeah, that's what I mean!"

Stick a shovel in me...I'm done!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Here Chicky, Chicky!

                In our family’s on going quest to have a healthier lifestyle, my husband and I have a plan to “Go Off the Grid” in the next five years.

                The first phase is planting a garden, learning how to can, and the possibility of starting a small orchard of apple, peach and pear trees. Along with that we are looking at building a small greenhouse, so we can have a few fresh veggies during the colder months, as well.

                Phase two was getting a few chickens…as in four or five. That is where we are at now. I consulted with a friend who raises chickens to find the best layers, and there are some breeds that can be “sexed” and some that can’t. Being “sexed” for those of you who are not familiar with chickens, it's the ability to tell if a chick will be a hen or a rooster. Roosters can’t lay eggs and we have no desire to breed them. She mentioned that Leghorns are great layers, but can’t be “sexed”, however Golden Comets lay great and can be “sexed”. I’m a huge fan of Foghorn Leghorn, so I decided that I’d take a gamble and chose the Leghorns.

At the end of February of this year our journey into raising free ranged chickens began. Our four leghorn chicks arrived and there is no need to deny it…they are cute!

             
            A week didn’t go by when I decided that four chickens may not be enough for a family of eight people. So I gave my friend a call and told her to look around for some Golden Comet chicks. A week later in came our newest chicks. They were even tinier and cuter than the last set. We named these ones Sophia, Blanche, Dorothy and Rosie. That may have been a big mistake, because I was starting to bond with my new feathered babies.  It was also around this time that we discovered one of our leghorn hens was actually a rooster. Oops! Hey, one out of four…that was a pretty good gamble if you ask me. So now I have a Leghorn named Foghorn. My dreams were coming true.

              
            My husband was content with our growing brood. I, on the other hand, was not. Google is a very dangerous place and it wasn’t long before I realized there were some pretty amazing breeds of chickens. The chicken bug had bitten and I knew that eight chickens would never be enough. Getting more, however would be tricky, as my hubby was not on board with my newfound obsession. I needed reinforcements, so I recruited my oldest daughter, Jenna. She hit up the local Tractor Supply and in mid-March she smuggled in two Giant Cochin chicks and two Black Star chicks.  The Giant Cochins were a must have. They have these beautiful feathered legs and remind me of Cancan girls. However, it took less than twenty four hours for my deceitfulness to be discovered. My husband is a mathematics major…he knows how to count to eight and he was coming up with twelve when he looked in the nursery.  Busted!

            

        I promised the hubby that this was it, and I truly meant it at the time. Then I went on Google. Did you know they have chickens with Mohawks? Barbanters not only have beautiful markings, but they are great layers during the frigid temperatures of winter. Okay, so I live North Carolina and the colder temps aren’t going to be a huge issue…but these guys are going to have Mohawks when they’re full grown! Do you understand how cool that is going to be? I needed my chicken fix. I called my friend, who by this time I’m referring to as my dealer.  It took a while, but my dealer found Barbanter chicks. I only bought two, but she threw in an extra Barbanter and two Cochin Bantam/Sultan cross chicks for good measure. By this time, I’ve set my nursery up in the garage. This time when the hubby came home and checked on the babies he counted seventeen. I think the roof actually lifted off the house.

               
        It wasn’t a week later my addiction went into high gear when I discovered Sultans. OMGee! These chickens have 80’s hair. I mean Big Ole’ Mall hair! I was in love and I needed one…or two. I made an inconspicuous call to my dealer and ten days later she located this rare breed. Last Saturday I hit an all-time low when I made a “quick chick” purchase in the parking lot of the local Harris Teeter.  I slid my dealer $15 dollars across the hood of the Cluck Truck and she gave me a box of three Sultan chicks. My excuse to my husband for opting with three instead of the two that we had agreed on…I’m OCD and I needed an even number. So here we are the end of April, we have twenty chickens and I’m in absolute heaven. I can’t get enough of my girls…and Foghorn!

               
          If you’re looking for me…I’ll be sitting in the backyard talking to my hens and conjuring up a new idea for a middle grade book about….You guessed it, Chickens!    

Juliusism Sunday!

I love to wake up to a Juliusism...and before my coffee!
 
Julius(to his brother): Yes, you can bond over farting...if you do it at the same time.

Juliusism's...they just make sense!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

    Living Simply With Boys! 

     Paul came home from work and he brought Julius and Isaiah a bag of balloons...maybe about 20 in the package. You would have thought it was Christmas morning. I sat back with a gentle smile on my face and let the simplicity soak in. Actually, I was proud that my boys don't need hundreds of dollars worth of toys or technology to make them happy. Even a couple of the older boys joined in the fun. Living simply has always been my focus when it comes to raising my kids. They certainly have a few gadgets, but nothing in excess. 

      While Paul and I made tonight's dinner I could hear jumping and the musical sound of their laughter carry down over the stairs. I looked at Paul and said, "Do you know how good it makes me feel to know that they aren't caught up with what the "Jone's" have?" He nodded his head and agreed. After dinner he went up to shave and I stayed downstairs. 

       Ten minutes later a very disgruntled Paul came down and said, "I'm not happy." 

        I said, "Oh, my gosh! Don't tell me someone called out and you have to go to work." 
     
       He gave a snide, "Nope."

        I said, "Well...why are you so irritated?" 

        He said, "One of the boys...I don't know which one or ones, made water balloons and proceeded to have a fight on our bed. It's soaked!" 

Let the finger pointing begin! Oy Vey! Boys!!!!!!!!

Juliusism Sunday!

Julius came upstairs with a Gatorade and there was instant bickering between him and Isaiah.
 

Isaiah: Tell Julius to share that Gatorade with me.
Paul: Julius where did you get the Gatorade?
Julius: In the refrigerator.
Paul: I didn't buy any Gatorade...it must be Michael's that he bought.
Julius(runs frankly around trying to hide the Gatorade): Help me! Help me! Michael is going to kill me.
Me: Michael isn't going to kill you. Stop saying that. He may get really mad, because you took his drink, but he isn't going to hurt you.
Julius(thinks for a second): Help me! Help me! Before Michael sees this.
Me: In the first place, you shouldn't have drank it without asking who it belonged to right?
Julius: I didn't know it belonged to him. I saw it and thought I just got lucky.

Well, it took Michael about an hour before he realized what happened. Julius came back into my bedroom none worse for the wear...I guess big brother has a soft spot for baby brother! 

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

One way to tell if a child's mother is a book nerd. Thirteen year old is cutting brush and shrubs on this beautiful NC day and looks at his 14 year old brother and says, "For Narnia!" As he thrust the branch in the air. Yes, all the neighbors are outside!

Juliusism Sunday

Julius is relaxing in my bed, but he kept wiggling all around. His hands were under the blankets and he's feeling around like he's looking for something. 

It continued for another minute or so and then I said, "Julius, what are you doing?" 

He still moving his hands under the blankets and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure I put on my boxers after my shower, but I can't seem to find them. Wait! Never mind I found them!" 

WTHeck!? Crisis diverted...though I'm still trying to figure out where the boxers went for a few minutes, especially since he still had them on!