Sunday, December 29, 2013

Juliusism Sunday!

A Proper Gent!

Julius: Daddy, ask me how I'm doing?
Paul: How are you doing, Julius?
Julius: Quite fine my good man, quite fine!

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Happy Birthday Jenna!

For those of you who don't know, I married a few months after graduating from high school at eighteen years old. Just shy of my nineteenth birthday we were blessed with my daughter, Jenna Lindsay! As all first time moms, I thought nothing could surpass this picture perfect, wrinkled beauty.
As I said, I was a young mother and other than English class, I was not very interested in higher learning. I was in love and my head was in the clouds.

During Lamaze classes when they were explaining every tiny detail about birthing, I was mentally checking off every baby item that I must have, the colors of the nursery, and did I really need a Diaper Genie, or not!

The blessed moment arrived after fifty-nine of the most gruesome, painful back and front labor pains, of which I endured alone. Why alone? For one, the only part of the Lamaze class, my now ex-husband, heard was “getting as much sleep as possible before the “hard labor”…he took it to heart with television remote in hand and went to sleep.
My mother could be found wandering the halls of the hospital asking every maternity nurse and doctor to—my mortification—“Just give her some anesthesia and take the baby out. She doesn’t tolerate pain well.” We eventually sent her home with orders to buy a bottle of Bailey’s on the way, and told her we’d call her the moment our new arrival came into the world.
My only other means of support was the maternity nurse, who was also a nun…a.k.a. Attila the Hun. By the end of Attila’s shift, I was very sure I had been ex-communicated from the Vatican and well on my way to Hell. According to the “ex”, you’re not supposed to use the “F” bomb in front of a nun, let alone tell her to leave the room using the term.
My former mother-in-law, finally waltzed in to the rescue, grabbed her son by the ear and demanded him to rub my lower back where the pain was near intolerable by this time. Within an hour and a half, my daughter was born. All 6lbs. 10 oz. and 21 inches of her came into this world screaming.
Remember that little tidbit about me not paying attention in Lamaze class? Yeah, well it would have come in very handy at this point. They handed me my little bundle of joy, and I took one look and I weepily said to myself, “She’s butt ugly, and she has the biggest “port wine” stain covering her face, but it doesn’t matter because I love her.” My heart ached for the ridicule she would probably endure at the hands of her peers eventually, but I vowed to protect her with every ounce I had in me.
Then the nurse did something that would shock me into full-fledged mother bear mode…she took off the little hat upon my daughter’s head and exposed the biggest cone head I had ever seen…and I’ve watched numerous episodes of Saturday Night Live to know it was HUGE!  Again, Lamaze class…had I listened would have been very helpful at a time like this. Once again, to myself I said, “Oh my God! She’s retarded. (I know…not politically correct, but in my defense I was nineteen). My poor baby girl has a misshaped head, but I still think she is perfection, and if anybody says, otherwise…they are so going down. Don’t worry Jenna; I won’t let anyone hurt you…ever!”
Eventually, they took my dearest possession to the nursery and put her in the incubator. It was 4:30a.m., and I had not slept in nearly fifty hours. After three hours of fitful sleep, I needed to see my baby. Just thinking that my poor little angel was in the nursery next to all the “normal” babies was torturing me. Visions of striped tents, a scrawny man with a barbell mustache, wearing a bowler hat, and large cane in hand saying, “Step Right Up!”, flowed freely through my young, inexperienced mind. I called down to the nurses’ station, and less than twenty minutes later they wheeled my precious cargo into my room.
I scooted off my bed and looked down into the tiny hospital bassinet and my eyes fell on perfection. I mean…PERFECTION! Even the nurse’s face was glowing at this beautiful baby, so what do I do…I say, “Ummm….this is not my baby.” Those words can give a maternity nurse the dry heaves, and it did. She says “What do you mean this is not your baby?” She reaches over and matches our hospital bands up. “The bracelets match…and she is the only girl in the nursery. She is definitely yours.” I literally was near tears, as I did not want to be overjoyed by this sudden, wonderful change of events. I said, “You’re absolutely sure. I mean my baby isn’t very pretty, and last night she had a birthmark covering half her face.” Leaning over, I whisper to the nurse. “And my baby is retarded…she has a HUGE misshaped head.”
Boy! Did I look stupid when she started to explain to me that my daughter had not been given a bath yet, which would explain the dried blood on her face, and apparently, infants have soft skulls so they can pass through the birthing canal, which gives them a temporary cone head! I was right all along,….Jenna was Perfection, and still is! 
Happy Birthday Jenna!
We Love You!

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Juliusism Sunday!

He's Got Under Control!
Julius: Isaiah, Mommy says if we get all our homework done tomorrow without fussing we can use her foot spa with the trying not getting a snit tomorrow!!!

Makes you wonder who the older one really is!

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

I am a Domestic Goddess! While Paul has football duty, first at Clayton Middle for Devan's first game, then he is headed to Bunn High for Dejon's JV game. 

Me?! I'm holding down the fort with the remainder of the boys, and I totally have had dinner done since noontime!! 

Okay, so as Michael says, "Taco Hell" is not considered cooking, and no doubt later I'll have to listen to Dejon list the finer, or not so finer points of Grade D meats used in fast food products! 

So yeah....everything is normal!

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Juliusism Sunday!

I was bringing Julius and Isaiah to school one morning. Isaiah is my whiner and he was giving me a very hard time.

He kept repeating "I don't care." So finally I said, "There are so many people are there that have less than
you do, and your complaining because you can't find a dollar." To which he said "I don't care about
those other people."

Boy, did that stick in my craw!!! I didn't raise my kids that way. I have some work to do with this one. So I said, "Well, I'm really disappointed with that attitude. You know who else takes and takes and doesn't care about other people? Satan, the Devil...and"

Then Julius piped in, "The President!"

Have no idea where that comes from, as we don't politics much in the house. 

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Hang Ten!
The two youngest had their annual check ups this morning! It should be a fairly simple thing, right? 

While filling out paperwork in the exam room, I see, a nearly five foot, Isaiah in a paper johnnie, whiz by on the rolling stool imitating a surfer and saying, "Cowabunga!" Seriously folks....I don't make this crap up! All healthy by the way!!! 

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Juliusism Sunday!

Fancy Smancy

Julius: Daddy, what are cooking for dinner?
Paul: Nothing. Your mother might have to become domesticated.
Me: *snorts* Read your pre-nuptial agreement or ask my brother, Joey he was there when I told you I didn't cook...EVER!
Julius: Well, Dad if your not going to cook can we go to a weally, fancy westaurant?
Paul: What?
Me: He wants Subway!

We drink with our pinkies up!

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Wine Time!

The DH (Darling Husband) asked me if I wanted a glass of wine while I was writing one day. Of course, I accepted!!! He brought me over a 16oz. glass full to the rim!!!

 I said, "Holy Crap! You don't have to get me drunk anymore....I'm a sure thing!"

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Juliusism Sunday!

Julius had his check up today, and they did the finger pricking thing. He still had the shiny silver band-aid on when he walked into class late.

He held up his bandaged finger, and said.  "That's right girls! I have a broken finger!"