Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

My daughter, Jenna Lindsay Ward is a Mary Kay consultant. Anyways, she asked me to go to one of her meetings to support her, so I did. I had to get out of my writer/homeschool mom mode, which meant unclipping my hair and putting on something other than a t-shirt and yoga pants.

We walk into the meeting where we are greeted by an overly perky person who says to my daughter and I, "Ohhhhh! Aren't guys cute! Your colors match. Did you guys plan it that way?" We didn't plan it that way, but it happened nonetheless. I color coordinate for home decorating purposes only.

I look at Jenna, who, at this time gives me the "look".  It's the familiar begging look my children send me for "Please don't say anything sarcastic." So I said, "Ohmygod!!!(in my best Valley Girl voice) Jenna! You have a stain on your shirt, and its on the same boobie!"

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Juliusism Sunday

 Juliusisms.....they just 

make sense!

Making fun of your own

just so wong! Sewiously, its just 


Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

There is this nice little nature trail behind the library and town hall in Knightdale, that's perfect for a stroll. They even have some observation decking so the kids can check out the turtles and fish in the pond. 
On our walk there today, Julius, Isaiah and I came to our favorite one, and we unsuspectingly came upon a man sleeping on one of the benches with an open beer. He looked just, as shocked to see us even though my boys were loud enough to wake the dead. Long story, short....I wasn't comfortable. 
I didn't know the guy, he had been drinking and I was in the middle of a wooded trail alone with two little boys. It was about this time I wished that I had taken the time to train my children to never say "why?" 
Me(whispering to Isaiah): Let's move further down the trail.
Isaiah: WHY!!??
Me(gritting my teeth): Shhh! *softly* Because I do not feel comfortable being here, so we need to move on.
Me(slaps forehead): *softly* Forget about it.
Me(nonchalant): Oh nothing.
Isaiah: OHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (the light bulb came on) Just come on Julius I want to show you this bridge over here.
Me: *shaking my head*    

 Isaiah finally figured it out.

 I came home and told my husband about it, and he agreed that the guy was probably harmless, but moving on was a wise thing to do with two little kids.

Me: I kept mentally making a plan. If the guy got dangerous I was going to scream for the kids to follow the trail back to the library and get help.
Paul(looking at me like I'm crazy): And then what would you do?
Me: I would have stayed to make sure my babies had enough time to get out. I would have used Judo or something.
Paul: You've never taken a karate lesson in your life.
Me: True....well, I totally would have drop kicked his arse.
Paul: At 5'2" *snort*
Me: Well, if that didn't work out....I would have just started to playing with my boobs!!!

 Paul shook his head, but not in disbelief...surrender.  He can't tame me, no matter how much he tries! 

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Juliusism Sunday

 I Plead the Fifth!

I'm cleaning up my yarn supply and rolling them into balls. I found a clump of my multi-color blue yarn near my window....all cut into pieces. A good portion of it, not salvageable. I walk down the hall to throw it away and show Michael, as he's walking by.

Me: Julius cut my yarn up into pieces.
Michael: Well, he's laying in his bed eating sugar-free jello, go give him "what for."
Me(snort): Yeah, right....he's like you. He can do no wrong.

I walk into Julius's room and get nose to nose to him.

Me: Do you want to tell me anything about my blue yarn that I just found all cut up?
Julius(grinning): Blue yarn?
Me: Yes, blue yarn.
Julius: Ya, I don't recall.

It's hard for me to believe the child is only 7 years old!

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

 Lost In Space!

Me: Michael, why did you shut the television off? Isaiah is watching it.
Michael(pointing to the loveseat): There's nobody even in here. He's been gone for over thirty minutes!
Me(looking over at loveseat): He's not? I guess that explains why he didn't answer my question earlier.
Michael walks off shaking his head.  I'm using perimenopause as my story and I'm sticking to it!

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Juliusism Sunday!

 The Beat of a Different Drum!

Me(to Julius): Here's your new bottle of shampoo.
Julius: kid shampoo?
Me: Nah, you guys are getting old enough to use the same stuff as your brothers.
Julius: WooHoo!!!! I'm an adult!!!! *proceeds to sing* I can do what I want, I can do whatever I want now!
Me: That's totally not what it means.
Julius: *singing* I've got some new shampoo, I've got some new shampoo!!

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

My son, Michael called my nephew Zach's cell phone a couple of days ago, and my niece, MacKenzie answered. And this is the conversation. She puts the capital "D" in the Dysfunction in the family....I swear!
Michael: Hey, where's Zach at?
Mackenzie: We switched phones. So he has my number and I...
have his old one.
Michael: Oh.
Mackenzie: Who is this, Travis? (Travis would be my 20 year old niece's BF, and Mackenzie has never met him, let alone spoken to this is completely random)
Michael: No, its not Travis. *Chuckles*
Mackenzie: Are you calling from North Carolina?
Michael(he is calling from NC):*Laughs* No, I'm calling from Texas.
Mackenzie: Well, I was close.
She still doesn't know it was her own cousin to this day!!! Kenzie....keep those shoulder pads on.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Ask my kids about the can of chicken I was trying to open the other day. They were still giggling about me slamming it on to the floor to get it open. That was after 7 turns on the can opener, three stab wounds to the top metal cover. Even after slamming it on the floor...the top never popped off and I had to scrape chicken from the small 1/2" x 1" opening to have a healthy lunch. This is why chubby girls prefer leftover lasagna!

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Juliusism Sunday!

Day Two With Ziti!

Paul: Hey, Julius I’m making your favorite food tonight.

Julius: What?

Paul: Baked Ziti.

Julius: I’d rather eat bugs and dirt!