Dysfunctional Wednesday!

All are created equal in my house. That being said, my two youngest were fighting over a crochet hook. No...not to use as weapons, but to actually crochet!

 Isaiah fell to the floor first and gave Julius a patronizing chuckle, "Whoa! Dude when did you get so tall?" Julius being the very literal guy he is said, "I'm not...I'm just mad!"

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Conversation with my mother yesterday! LOL! I have to write these down as soon as they happen, because this woman gives me so much to work with some days!
 
Mom: Oh, when Paul was here I gave him a box for Jenna. The kids left some stuff when they were here visiting.
Me: Okay, I think I saw some stuff around.
Mom: Well, there are just the girls' hairbrushes and a few odds and ends, but I wanted to make sure Aubrey got her Little Kitty bikini bottoms.
Me: Little Kitty?
Mom: Oh, I said that wrong...Miss. Kitty.
Me: Mom, Miss. Kitty is from Gunsmoke. Hello Kitty?
Mom: Yes! That's the one!
 
LOL!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

We grabbed Wendy's on the way home from Wrightsville Beach, because the kids were starving. Apparently, they were exhausted too, because Isaiah and Julius were sitting in the third row seats when we hear Julius say, "Mom, Isaiah fell asleep." 

I said, "That's okay...he's probably just wiped out from all that swimming and wave jumping." 

Julius responds, "Yeah, but he fell asleep holding his cheeseburger in his hand." 

 Paul and I laugh and said, "It's okay." 

*FAST FORWARD* 

We drive into the driveway and Isaiah wakes up. "Mom, I'm really hungry. I don't think I ate my cheeseburger...I started looking out the window and I fell asleep."

 I said, "Yes, you fell asleep holding your cheeseburger, so just eat that now if you want." 

Isaiah said, "Yeah, but I don't have a cheeseburger. It's gone."

 I said, "That doesn't make any sense...its got to be out back there." After much searching it never turned up. 

All eyes turn back to Julius. He said, "What?" 

I said, "Did you eat his cheeseburger too?" 

Julius said, "Noooooo." Oh, Julius ate it and finally fessed up. He said, "It's a cheeseburger! I didn't want it to go to waste!" 

Oy Vey!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Last July my granddaughter, Lil' Miss. Aubrey colored me a picture and I said, "Can you put your name on it?" 

 She says, "You write your own name!" 

I said, "I want you to write your name, so I know who colored it for me." 

Of course by this time, pre-school has been done since May so she's having a hard time remembering how to do it. So I wrote it down for her, so she can practice. 

As I'm writing it, she's standing across from me watching and then says, "You doing it wrong, Nonna..it upside down."
LOL! 

 "Aubrey that's because you're looking at upside down." I turned the paper around to show her the pic. Now she has no interest in practicing it!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

The first time my mother(she hates technology, but is adjusting)created her Facebook account she kept taking the "What's on your mind?" or "How are you today?" prompts from FB literally. 

I kept seeing random post from her saying. "I don't know who this is, but I'm fine. Thank you."

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Dejon: We need to assert our dominance, so if that means we need to lick other people's face...then that is what we're going to do!
I have no clue!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

We are looking at possible houses to set up a homestead...something with a bit of land. I saw one and fell in love with it...and the price wasn't too bad either. I showed Dejon a.k.a. Hollywood, who indulged my creative juices.

 He said, "See all those trees? That would be a safe place, in case of a zombie uprising."

I was so tickled. "You're so right. We could totally build tree stands and create signals as we see them coming. We could get equipped with crossbows and just take them down one at a time. Like a Zombie Squad!"

He smiled, "Yup, that is doable."

Then I said, "We should probably think about practicing...you know before all this happens." LOL! The rest of the kids think I'm weird, but not DeJon! He gets it!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

If you don't think this statement isn't true...ask my kids about the can of chicken I was trying to open the other day. They were still giggling about me slamming it on to the floor to get it open. That was after 7 turns on the can opener, three stab wounds to the top metal cover. 

After all that slamming...the top never popped off and I had to scrape chicken from the small 1/2" x 1" opening to have a healthy lunch. 
 
This folks is why chubby girls prefer leftover lasagna!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

I was talking to my mother yesterday, and I love her! However, she's a control freak! Marie Barone has nothing on this woman. When she was doing her "will" a few years back the attorney was nearly speechless after reading over her exact request. 

When he was through being shocked he said, "Wow! You plan on managing things right from the grave don't you?" 

LOL! Our conversation then turned to her going to heaven. Yes, she plans on taking over there too.

Dysfunctional Wednesdays!

The grandbabies came for a visit, so Julius and Isaiah took out the "Headbandz" game. If you don't know the game, they each wear a blue, plastic headband with a card of an object/animal on it and they ask questions to try and figure out what they are. 

My youngest granddaughter, Aubrey at age four hasn't quite got the concept yet. Her sister, 

Gracie asked, "Okay, do I have legs?" 

Aubrey giggles and says, "You have legs....you're a Titty-Tat!" 

All the older kids groaned, "Aubrey!!!" She was so proud of herself! LOL!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

My second floor sounds like a guy's locker room, as people are showering and dressing! Julius is singing out of tune...I think on purpose. The other boys are pinning him down telling him to stop. He's laughing...and still singing at the top of his lungs!

Then I hear...
Dejon: Devan, stop busting in the bathroom...I'm butt-nekkid!
Devan: No you're not! Liar!
Dejon: Devan you freak put the camera phone away!
Devan: *screams*
Dejon: Mom, Devan is being a freak! He's trying to take a video with his camera phone and I'm butt-naked!
Mom(yelling over the stairs): Devan, knock it off! Dejon, don't worry...even if he does get shot in...we'd need a zoom lense to see anything.
Devan(laughs): She slayed you, dude!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

We were watching wrestling and one of the wrestlers said, "There are three things you don't do...pull on Superman's cape, piss in the wind and back stab your brothers."
 
Isaiah: Pee in the wind? What does that mean?
Julius: Duh? If you pee in the wind...it will come back on you. Why do you think Seth Rollin's hair looks like that!
 
OMGosh! I'm PMSL!!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Isaiah and Julius were discussing superpowers in the car on the way home.
 
Julius: If I had flying for a superpower would you send me to the store for milk?
Me: Yes, if you were older and it wouldn't make you crash.
Julius: Well, I'd take any superpower really...but I would really like to fly.
Paul: Why do they even consider Batman a superhero...he doesn't have any superpowers?
Isaiah: He has super technology, Dad!
Me: Ummm...Batman is a superhero. Duh! He has a bat mobile!
Paul: But its not a superpower!
Me: Well, technically Iron Man isn't a superhero then, because his is all technology too.
Isaiah: Well, Batman was trained by a Ninja Master...so he can fight.
Me: Yeah, Paul!

As our friend, Miss. Paula says, "Paul you just got superhero schooled!"

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Michael was gently trying to let me know that while he was out driving in my car this afternoon...he about shite his pants by over correcting the SUV.

Michael(nervous smiling): Don't freak, but this afternoon....Phew! I kind of over corrected, because I had to swerve around an animal.
Me: What?! What kind of animal?
Michael: It was a turtle...a big, big turtle and he popped out at me.
Me: Michael, turtles don't pop out of anywhere...they're too slow.
Michael: Well, there was a opossum that came out right after him.
Me: Really? Aren't opossums nocturnal?
Michael: Nooooo!!!! Listen.
Me: So a turtle and an opossum...I swear Michael if you tell me a Bambi, a chipmunk and a bluebird came out right after I'm going to think you're SnowflippinWhite!
Michael: No! I have a pic of him.
Me: The opossum?
Michael: No, the turtle.
 
One day is all I'm asking for....no events, no drama, etc. I've been waiting for that day for 28 years now...the odds are not in my favor.

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

I love to dance! Of course, now at my age....I may not only offend the people around me, but I even offend myself sometimes. Body parts don't always go the way my brain is telling them. There is a cause and effect thing going on!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

For those of you that know me well...I have a very blunt parenting style, especially with my teenagers. Mama got jokes...its the only way to approach teenagerdom! My biggest fear with these kids...is keeping them as innocent for as long as possible. When Michael went to prom we had the "sex" talk....and yes I was very blunt then. Tonight he got home from his 9 hour shift at McD's, definitely not his dream job or anyone elses either, took a shower and was heading out with the GF. Of course, I told him "No sex" and got the eye roll, to which I reply..."I'm just keeping it real, because a baby means you'll be coming home everyday from a 9 hour shift smelling like a greasy french fry! Think about it. No purple lights for your car, no toys, no freedom. Don't be trading in your sub-woofers and tweeters for a pair of boobs. Remember...you get the urge...slam that bad boy in a window and it'll go away!" Then I finished with my normal..."Be good, drive safe, I love you." speech.

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

Say Uncle!

 I hear Julius yell, "OW!" 

I look over and see him folded in half with Isaiah pinning his knees to his ears. I freaked. "Isaiah, I don't want you guys wrestling like that! You're going to break his neck." 

Julius isn't screaming anymore, but Isaiah still has him pressed in half and says, "Wrestling? We're not wrestling..its yoga!!" 

SMH!!!

 

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

 Mother's Day 2014

Jenna: Mom, you're a writer...so why don't you ever put something sappy on my Facebook wall. I mean its Mother's Day!
Me: I'm Sorry. I like to keep shit real.
Jenna: It's true...you aren't an emotional person.
Me: I know...it is true.
Jenna: Even Dad(the ex) is more emotional and sappy than you are.
Me: I swear that man has a vagina.

*LMAO* I don't care who you are that shit was funny!
Jenna: Mom!
Me: What? I bought you a Nutribullet! You should have your father write something sappy on your wall!
Jenna: You know he can't spell!
Me: Or tell time!

Bahahahahahaha! I had to stop the conversation, because I could go on all day with that topic!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

 Prom Night Pep Talk!

My oldest son, Michael went to his first prom this past May. For weeks I worried about how it would all come together. We had disagreements, I had nightmare, but in the end it all came together! Phew! He's only a junior, so I have to do this all over again this coming May!

Michael, though he is very pigheaded at times, has never given us a reason to not trust his judgement. He's been an amazing son! He works really hard at school, does chores without being asked, respectful to adults/teachers, no drugs, no drinking, etc. Those are issues that we have never dealt with Michael and we are proud of his choices thus far. However, he is seventeen years old and the testosterone is flowing through his veins. As a parent I felt the need to have "the talk" again. I mean it's Prom Night...anything can happen, right?

As Michael and I were driving to meet his girlfriend for prom pictures...I gave him the pep talk. I'm not really good at pep talks, because "I says it hows I sees it". 

I started off with..."No sex! I don't allow that." 
 
Michael says, "I knnnnooowww!" 

I replied, "Okay, but it makes me feel better that I at least said it. Cuz, you know sex is like candy...once you get the taste of it you're always going to want more." 

Michael said, "All right, I get it. You don't have to keep talking about it." 

So I continued, "If by some chance you decide you're going to have sex...I'm cursing you right now. Brandy's face will turn into mine, and you'll hear me and Jesus doing a lot of talking!!" Michael rolled his eyes. I said, "I know...this is awkward, but I feel better just knowing I at least warned you. So....if you get the urge just slam that thing in a window and it'll go away. Capiche?" Have a good time!

Dysfunctional Wednesday!

 Hen Pecked!

We were outside feeding and watering the chickens. Isaiah said, "Why is that rooster afraid of everything. He's a big wimp." Before I could answer he said, "Never mind he's living with 11 women...that's probably why!"